INFERTILITY. There, I said it. The word itself feels like a bad word sometimes. Holding its own weight and carrying a list of stories, tears and heartache. I will not be silenced anymore!
I am the 1 in 8 couples that has been diagnosed with infertility and I will admit it right now, it has been one of the biggest emotional rollercoasters of my life. I have had my up days and my down days, times where I would be walking through a park and see something as simple as a woman pushing her stroller and I would just burst into tears. Then I would have days where my hope and faith felt strong and I felt inspired to continue pursuing other dreams and visions while I wait on my blessing. You see, I know God as a healer. In 2004 I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was causing my hormones to be out of whack and on top of that I was told if by chance I were to get pregnant, the tumor could grow and I could lose my vision or worse.
I won’t even begin to list all of the different medications that doctors put me on to help regulate my hormones and shrink the tumor. Some made me sick, depressed, emotional while others made me gain weight and even happy. In my heart I knew I didn’t want to have a baby this way. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago when I had to rush to the hospital for temporarily loosing my sight in my right eye that I found out I no longer had the tumor, I was healed! You can imagine my joy in knowing that God moved on my behalf and the excitement I felt on the inside to possibly be getting pregnant shortly after. But as month after month passed, that did not happen and again I was back on the emotional ride. Upppp….Dowwwwwn. How do you not think about or hope for something you want when your body is always doing its thing? Well I had to go within and do a lot of soul searching….reading, praying, journal writing, meditating and talking to God. I also had a lot of pouring out to do….tears, MANY TEARS.
Through my journey I have learned what it means to have peace in the midst of the storm, love, joy, happiness and strength. Every day is a blessing and God knows everything that we have need of…EVERYTHING. HIS TIMING IS PERFECT! I had to learn to love myself again; I’m still learning. I had to learn how to love God more and my family more and my friends more; I’m still learning. I had to figure out which friendships/relationships were good for me and which goals were obtainable because I needed to keep feeding my spirit good things. I’m still working at it. I had to come out of depression and take full hold of my victory and I did!
This is only part of my journey. I feel so much stronger but some days I have to allow myself to cry and I am much more gentle with myself and my thoughts. My ointment is my faith in God, my ointment is my hope and my ointment is love and gratefulness. I believe God for complete healing in this as I wait and hope, but I know that I am not alone. There are so many women that share with me their stories through emails and one on one conversations (although I know this affects both men and women). If you ever find yourself here, know that you too are not alone. I used to get so upset when I would constantly find myself in a position where I had to encourage another woman going through when I myself felt so weak at times but God would always give me supernatural strength and I would feel soo much better afterwards. Everyone has a story, everyone a different journey. I am thankful for everything that God has blessed me with including a loving husband that has seen a lot of those tears and even my step daughter who hugged me so lovingly one day when one of my pregnancy tests came up negative….God knows! He knew then and He knows now what is best for me and I also apply the ointment of his word to my heart. I write this very personal blog as my Mother’s Day Ointment for INFERTILITY. That word. “infertility” no longer has power over me although every year one of the hardest days I have found for me is Mother’s Day. That is the day I sometimes want to disappear just so that I wouldn’t have to deal with the sometimes insensitive comments of those who really just don’t understand. Though I have 3 step children whom I love and I currently am an auntiemom to my niece and nephew, I know the pain of feeling all alone and forgotten about on Mother’s Day. It is not about the flowers, cards, gifts or warm sentiments from others, although those things are so very nice…there is just something deeper that oftentimes feels like a hole in the heart and a lump in the throat.
For me, only the peace of God can soothe that whenever that feeling comes.
Everyone that has experienced this before or is going through it now knows all about it. There is no quick fix to these emotions other than to just feel them and let them pass. Pour out in your own way, whether through writing, talking, singing, reading or crying but pour it out and allow yourself to feel your emotions. You are not forgotten! Remember God is always in control and He knows all about it.
Pouring out is soothing!
For me it has been writing, praying and crying…and for a little while even overeating (which I am working towards replacing with healthier habits ;). Still, I am proud of myself for my “right now” and will not beat myself up for being human, like I said I am a work in progress but my goal is to become my healthiest mind, body and soul. I am going beyond my breaking point and I pray to inspire you along the way!
Praying this blesses someone in someway.
Peace & God Bless!
NOTE: I wrote this before Mother’s Day but it was only today that I felt enough courage to share. If we are honest with ourselves, the hardest stories to share are usually the ones that help set other’s free in some way, Thank you e authenticitee.wordpress.com for encouraging me to share this today. ❤ Limarie